#63: Dear Julie… Help me break up with my voice teacher!
Wednesday 9/25/24
DEAR JULIE: How do I break up with my voice teacher? I don’t think they get me and I’m not sure I’m getting better.
OH WOW. Have i been here!!!! Ok, so i’m going to help you do this and also about how to move forward.
I don’t know your age, ability, focus, or commitment level so i’m just answering this generally.
Me from 15 years ago would’ve said “just finish your contracted term and ghost”. You don’t owe anyone anything past agreed upon terms. OR if you really hate them/can’t work with them/your physical or emotional safety is compromised, then you may have to just eat the money you’ve prepaid and move on.
But now, I’d say, just let them know. You don’t need to have a face to face, you can send an email. You can provide as much or as little detail as you choose. Of course, if this is a long standing relationship you may want to have a more delicate conversation over the phone or involve a parent.
These days, if emotions are not highly involved, I prefer a 3 sentence email:
“Hi Julie, Thanks so much for all the work we’ve done up to this point. I feel I’ve improved but I’ve decided to move on and I just wanted to let you know. Happy to talk more if you want - feel free to give me a call.” DONE.
OR to be more direct (i think people do like/need feedback, however, make sure you’ve discussed these concerns first. Don’t let the break up email be the first time you let them know you feel misaligned)
“Hi Julie, Thanks so much for all the work we’ve done and your help. However, I’m still feeling we aren’t aligned on my personal goals and need to find a coach that really understands how I want to improve. Thanks so much.”
And move on.
I think this is important because so many people ask me this. And people do not tell voice teachers why something doesn’t work. The voice teacher can’t apply feedback they never receive. Some coaches are great in their particular area of expertise and believe that applies to everyone regardless of their interests. Like, the way directing is a mandated course in colleges for acting and musical theatre students. But it’s just ONE. you aren’t stuck in a directed course every semester because someone “feels” it’s the best way for an actor to learn the basics. I hear that allllll the time about “classical” voice teachers. They believe their training is the basis for all “healthy” singing which is simply untrue. It’s been proven to be untrue and that mentality is very much based in white supremacy but that’s a longer convo for another day. If you don’t know about this - google is your friend!
Let me tell you, I slow ghosted a voice teacher and then demanded a new teacher assignment in college. It wasn’t easy but it was the best thing for me. You can’t be afraid of people’s feelings when your skill is at stake.
In high school I had a voice teacher who was nice but it was more hobbyist singing. I knew I was going to go into this field and she was fine, but not someone who ever talked about anything other than breath, chest voice, head voice. That was it. I was outsinging her constantly. She only every pushed me on song selection because she was very religious so I never sang anything i wanted to. I wanted to sing I Dreamed A Dream (which ok, i shouldn’t play the role at 14 but i can work on the song!) and she turned me down. Didn’t want me to sing a prostitute song. UMMMMM. Same with I Don’t Know How To Love Him. These were THE SONGS for young loud singers to sing. The same way Means Girls, Carrie, and Heathers are THE SONGS now. I never got to sing anything that interested me. We sang “The Flat Foot Floogie with the Floy Floy” and “Sam You Made The Pants Too Long”. We weaned away from her over the summer one year but it needed to be done 3 years prior.
In college the voice teacher i was assigned was a classical soprano. I liked to sing soprano and i understood when you work the head voice you work the whole voice. But these lessons were 1x a week for 45 minutes and this woman, Debra, for an entire semester (12 lessons), never let me sing like me. Not once. Not to help with a belty audition. Not because of material I was assigned IN MY CLASSES. She fully refused. One lesson for all 45 minutes we warmed up and then only sang Caro Mio Ben. And I’m sure thats great for some singers but not for me. When registration came for the next semester I demanded a new teacher. I got it. Her name was Melissa. She played parts I wanted to play, she understood my voice, she helped me with all my auditions ALL WHILE still working my head voice. That was my person. She even played Princess Puffer in Drood and I was auditioning for it. She helped me so much and I got it. I got to work with Marcia Milgrom Dodge as a result.
You must do what’s best for you. That’s all.
Dreams Don’t Die
Julie